The idea that I may get things wrong in the eyes of others is not sufficient reason to refrain from putting myself out there.
Being out there MEANS getting it wrong in the eyes of others. There are too many different points of view to expect that everyone will always think I’m right.
The key is not to avoid this reality but to successfully navigate this reality.
Navigating this successfully is a process of...
Staying connected.
Retaining a sense of my own true nature.
Listening to and caring about and generously engaging with another’s experience of me without going to war with myself.
Getting it wrong in the eyes of others is not only not the end of the world, it’s what it means to be IN the world. It’s a natural byproduct of being engaged with “others.”
No two people have the exact same perspective on anything.
No two people have the exact same goal for the outcome of any situation.
No matter our intentions, we can never know for certain what is right for another person, what will please or comfort them or what will support or upset them.
We do not have perfect access to anyone else’s emotional history or present anxieties ahead of time.
Even with perfect effort and maximum attention, no one can ever stand perfectly in another’s shoes.
We learn these things by engaging with others.
That means that NO MATTER WHAT I DO, it’s likely someone will think I’m wrong.
I can have the best of intentions and perfect execution from my perspective and still completely fail someone from their perspective (or a third party’s perspective).
It’s up to me to clear up my belief that it’s unacceptable to ever get things wrong in the eyes of someone else. That belief is a non-starter. Literally: It keeps me from starting a real relationship with another person.
It’s also up to me to clear up my belief that it’s unacceptable for anyone to get things wrong in my eyes.
They’re both the price of doing business.
Now that we’re in business, let’s talk business.
My business is...
To know my true nature - which is to fully recognize that not only am I inherently worthy of love and belonging, I always have love and belonging because it is always there and only noticed or not by ME.
To freely express my true nature. Without shame or self-judgment.
To ask for what I want without expectation or attachment - knowing the universe is always granting me everything I need.
To love the person in front of me as myself (because they are myself)
To love what is as myself (because it is myself).
To do the best I can with what I’m thinking and believing (which, of course, is all I ever do).
To recognize that everyone is always doing the best they can with what they’re thinking and believing (which, of course, is all they ever do).
To see, accept and value them as they are without shaming or judging.
To respond with love to everything that happens to me.
Their business (also known as NONE OF MY BUSINESS) is...
What they think
What they believe
How they feel
Who they accept
How they see me
What they’re afraid of
What actions they take toward me in response to all of this.
To succeed at getting things wrong in other people’s eyes, I stay in my business and out of their business.
If I need THEM to confirm that I am worthy of love and belonging before I will accept that I am worthy of love and belonging, I’m doomed. I can’t get that. EVER. Because I am working outside the place from which true love and belonging emerge: my own mind.
When I ask someone else to do my job, I’m putting the work in the hands of someone without the resources to complete it.
I ask them to supply something they have no access to and so will never come from them (my own sense of worthiness).
When I’m taking responsibility for my own sense of worthiness I can hear any criticism: They can tell me everything I’ve gotten wrong in their eyes. They can tell me how.
When I’m squarely in my business, I can be grateful for the opportunity to know someone better and to grow our relationship in peace.