I have tried to control things to make my relationships work. I say nice things. I make invitations. I try to make people say and do nice things. I try to make people extend invitations. I buy houses to foster shared experiences and connection, I design programs that are supposed to strengthen relationships…
But where do my “relationships” exist? Where are they located? Are they in a house, are they in a program or framework, are they in the other person? Are they partially in the other person? Or are they in me? They seem to exist in some objective world, but can I really be sure my relationships exist anywhere but in my thoughts?
Is there any difference - that I can confirm - between the thought of a good relationship and a good relationship? I find I can’t prove a difference. It seems they are one and the same.
When I think I have a good relationship with someone I have a good relationship...until they say or do something and I change my MIND about it. Suddenly I have a bad relationship. But where does it all happen?
In my mind.
The only environment that can strengthen or fray my relationships is the environment of my mind.
I can focus my design there. I can spend my time and money there. And I can leave other people out if it. I can leave them alone. I can stop trying to control or influence them and really go deep. When I do, I find I can be in total connection with anyone I want and it has nothing to do with them. And it certainly has nothing to do with anything I’m controlling.
A house can’t deepen a relationship. A business framework can’t deepen a relationship. A ritual can’t deepen a relationship. A kind word can’t deepen a relationship. A kind gesture can’t deepen a relationship. An act of sacrifice can’t deepen a relationship. A work environment can’t deepen a relationship. A person can’t deepen another person’s relationship.
Only a mind can deepen a relationship ...and only for THAT mind.
If I want deeper relationships, I know where to do the work. I know where to spend the money. I know where to build the structures, I know where to carve out the space and time.